Your Name

September 11, 2009

Every time there is a quiet moment in my head, I can hear your name. I feel your arms around me, as though to let me know that you still care for me. That you still remember me. I contract the muscles in my sides to imitate how powerful your hugs were; so strong that I would totter backwards or fall over laughing.

But over time, your name has become less and less about you and more about everything else I miss. When my mind pulls your name to the front it is accompanied no longer by the way I feel about you, but by the way I feel about home. I miss everything, I miss everyone, I even miss the cicadas in the winter time, chirping as the temperature falls to the eighties in November. Your name reminds me that I have a life outside of this town, that I have a whole group of people who still care about me. Your name reminds me that the people who swirl around me from day-to-day don’t matter. Your name pulled me out of the depression I had fallen into.

Even though your name no longer reminds me of who you were, I want to see you again. You were my friend, of course I do. But I’ve learned something while I was away: My fondness for you… it was never about you. It was about me. I liked you because you made me feel like I was in control, but at the same time you had the audacity to undermine that. It was a power struggle, and I wanted to win.

As you can see, I’m not very good with relationships.


One Response to “Your Name”

  1. Mark Says:

    I’ve been pouring through your blogs effortlessly for about an hour now, my eyes devouring every word with vigor… but this one I just couldn’t pass by. Your style is amazing. Reading your work is thrilling… almost exhilarating. I’m going to bookmark you for follow-up, but I’d love it if you could cruise through my blogs on myspace. My URL is /Kainon45.

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